"Like Shakespeare said, the entire world is a stage and we use to play many different roles in our lives in various places and scripts. As we grow old and ripe, our knowledge of the world grows no doubts. We hold what we cannot see, smell, taste and touch in our memories. When we contemplate alone we only have to walk down our memories lane to find the countless faces, places, sights and sounds that we have stored, to be recalled and retrieved through association in conversations with others. I wonder sometimes why widow or lonely people should be scared of social terror to being loneliness. Loneliness is a life's phenomenon as well as. We should be glad that we have lived useful lives during our life time, filled with good experiences with every age. The wonderful children that we will create, the very gems of our genes, each will be so individual in their personalities and there'll be a house we'll live in and fill with loves, laughter, songs and music. The parents and grandparents, friends and relatives, all we have had the time to share with. But we should be able to assert our exit from this earthly existence in the manner that we desire and not leave it in the hands of an intensive life's extension unit that really does hurt. But every life doesn't seem to as easy as we imagine. In life we've always an examination to bring to go ahead in every stage of our ages. The most difficult one is love's stage in which place every human should pass their emotions with the capacity of their loves. Someone can be so lucky and gets everything with their loves but someone can be so poor and they're obliged to live with the remembrances of little lovely moment of their past's memories".

Rachanna finishes her class; she's a teacher of college in the subject of social effects on human relationship. She's a middle age woman, struggling on the profession of teaching since seven years. The entire students start to go out of the class and she tries to recall next home work to them. The day almost finishes with her classes and now the time to go home, her daughter, Asha, ten is waiting for her. They are living together since Asha's birth. They're little lonely regarding other neighbours. It seems that her neighbours don't appreciate her life with her daughter because she's living without any man. The neighbours even don't know who the father of her daughter is. Even though so many question in her neighbour's mind, they don't urge to ask her all these unfinished questions. She's educated and living with her own foot without demanding anything to others as some of her neighbours use to do so. May this is the reason that nobody dares to ask her about her past. She seems to so happy with her daughter, so naughty, at the same time so helpful with the decent human being shining in her character. In the corner of intelligent, she is a brilliant little girl, curious about all well known things. She likes to sing and dance after her school. May be it's an extra advantage to her to have a mother as teacher at home. That helps her to know so many unknown questions' solution but there're so many questions that can't be questioned in her age yet too. She's so happy to be with her mother all the way. Only one thing she knows that her mother loves her so much and she's a little angel of her mother. Rachanna arrives at home.
"Good evening my daughter, so what did you do whole the day?" She wants to know if her daughter did something interesting things during the day,
"Nothing special mom, I tried to write something, that's all" She replies.
"But from tomorrow you'll start to go to the school, so exciting, isn't it?" She asks to her daughter entering at home.
"It will be so new to me and everyone too" She shows her tiny displeasure.
"But it's so interesting to discover new things my sweet heart, you should sleep early tonight. I'm going to cook. What do you like to eat tonight?" She goes into the kitchen directly, after arriving from the college.
"Vegetable!!" Asha smiles at her. Then they do finish their diner and say good night each other. Tomorrow will be another day.

Kanhudada, a little hill of Pokhara is shining around two big Himalayas, one side Annapurna and other side Machapuchre. Every ray of sun is falling down in the yard of house, a little house where so many green vegetable and roses around the roof, little space among the garden, happiness is smiling out side of the balcony with the sunlight. So many flowers are smiling in front of the garden and the view from the house to the city seems as so clean picture staying with its beauties.

"Good morning my heart!" Rachanna yielding voice is dancing in the air from this morning.
"Morning mom" A reply comes in a sleeping voice from the room of first floor.
"Are you waking up beta? She's trying to confirm if her child is totally waked up.
"Arra baba I told na mom I've already woke up! She says in a lazy voice.
"The breakfast is ready but if you want I can bring in your room! Well you can do your homework faster then yesterday too my soul"
"Sometimes I want you to ask me about my dreams mom but you never do that..." she comes near the break fast table, she adds again,
"You're always in hurry..."
"But we've lots of time in the evening to talk, no? She replies happily.

Its 30 minute walks from their home to Asha's school, situated 'Saraswati secondary school', near the town. But that 30 minute is the most joyous time for them. During the walks they laugh, do jokes, and do sing common favourite song and their day dream of the days use to change after finishing their class respectively. When they don't have to go to the school anymore then they do others things like dancing, singing so many songs. Rachanna could give all her time to her to play traditional music. Asha is ten years old, for Rachanna her daughter is little friend, relative, daughter, love, in fact everything.
"Are you exciting to know about your school Ashu?" She asks looking at her hands.
"Yes but little anxious mom, it's totally new for me na, that's why" She feels little awkwardness from the word of new school. "It'll be alright beta! I know you're very good" She tries to give her lots of confidence.
"Hum..." She becomes silence.
And here comes the school, "Saraswati secondary school". There's a queue of new student come from different part of valley, on the entrance way, many parents are dropping their kids to school. In fact they're dropping not their kids but their dreams in school, in order to see them fulfilled. Kids are joy of parent's life; naturally the beautiful dream is associated with their future. Their one smile can brighten the day of parents, and their tears drown in the every happiness.
"Come on my darling, give me a big hug, I'm getting late". She says in hurry.
"Bye mom, see you in the evening" She enters into the school.
While dropping Asha in school's main gate in that sunny morning, Rachanna can't resist to seeing her daughter until she entered the school gate that morning. She wants to see her walk, walk until she enters the school. September's sun bright brings Asha's look even more lovely in her school uniform, crimson shirt to go with it and the blue skirt is giving a ray of light by the reflection of shining. She was wondering why she was looking at her, in fact gazing, and she shows her goodbye with warm mischievous childish glow in her eyes. Oh mother heart, only the thing that came into their mind is their child first. Then she leaves the school by wondering her daughter's future, if she likes the school or not, what if she doesn't like, if she can make lots of friends?

This is the first day for Asha in the school. Actually she has passed primary school near her village and as she should step into the secondary school where now she's. Traditionally in every school the first day calls itself as an introduction day of every student in the class. Every student starts to introduce themselves from their name to their little personal family background, and then it's a turn of Asha.
"My name is Asha, I'm living in Kanhudada, 30 minutes from here. Since my birth I'm living with my mother. Asha means "hopes" in Nepali language. And I'm hoping to study very good, also would like to make lots of friends very sincerely onwards, thank you". After finishing the introduction function,
"You didn't mention your father in your introduction...You don't have your dad?" One of her friend asks being surprised. "Father..." The tears that are frozen in her eyes, inside of this word many tense floods then, wetting her silky hair, and she could feel the hotness of her tears on her face. Father... How does it melt to see the tears with this word...She cries with her silence, as there're a circle of her new friends amazed at the function, all are awed by their father's presence by their side but in her mind something happens unreal.
"Oh I'm so sorry, is he dead? Sorry..." Her friend feels in other side of the truth. Asha seems to so weak with that sudden question, feeling unreal imagination inside her head she does feel painful tears in her pupils. After, she goes to the class room. She wants to meet her mother and thinks to ask as soon as possible...

"The word 'love' and 'fall' are associated with each other may be which interrelated in a way or other. Though the word "fall in love" never made any sense to us since the day we started to use this phrase together. As far as me, even as a child I used to wonder why not 'walk in love, run in love, dance in love or jump in love but fall in love? It really didn't make any sense to me at all. Love as I used to think is a sweetest melody, pure and divine, as played from the supreme myself; the blessedness, which can pacify but never lets one to be down. In a straight forward manner, I always feel that love isn't something like a dangerous place where one can fall. But going through many springs and summers, seeing the time slip in the phase of universe, I became to realize that sometimes we do...One really falls in love. It never happens consciously though, it's a gradual process. Once the time comes, the eyes gets mystified by its appearance, blinded by the infatuation, hypnotized by the magnetism, charmed by the sensuality, thrilled by the emotions, enthralled by magic, driven by exemplary yearning, looses the senses, and being totally helpless, powerless, and unable to turn the steering of time in the other mode and just falls in love. Boom...Once we fall there won't be any ray of melodies to go out so easily unless we don't get hurt emotionally in the ending but everyone should pass through this road of love, at least once a whole life".

"Then so starts the totally different chapter of our life, all so new. Once fallen in love, we start the first step downwards as a looser even though we don't take it negatively. Think twice over it with cool head, questioning us 'if I feel it otherwise'. But our point is the process of loosing starts once we loose our heart and soul to someone. Man becomes the poorest of poor creature once given the heart away or once fallen in love truly. This doesn't apply only in the case of young lover's beloveds, who seek dreams of life as a bed of roses. This feeling strongly become close to the process applies regardless any gender, sex, age and relationship. Not necessarily this should be the tragic case for lovers as looser but every one is unable to get unified in the marital relationship of the so called society's frame even though not necessarily gender, sex, age's roles become significant here, nor the race and ethnicity but if we love somebody truly and whole heartedly, we could never distinguish between the importance between our personal happiness and the happiness we want to find in our love one's eyes. Once fallen in love, our downward journey start, which does happen in generally. Because naturally we always seek the moments to make the love that one fulfilled, no matter if we loose our own interest, personal likes and dislikes, the dreams and the meaning of fulfilment as well. We still do remember that we rise above our personal self and started to think about others we love. We started to like and loved what we never as a single person expected to like or accept in our lives. The magic has already happened. Suddenly we found ourselves that a changed being around us. We found the change in ourselves consciously, subconsciously or even unconsciously, that sometimes we used to surprise by innovating our new taste and aspects of life. The motion of love always flows downwards even now and we can feel it, like a fall, a pure wild fountain, an ongoing process; never emptying fountain of giving, love, care and devotion".

"The more we give, the more it fills, but never empties, it is selfless. It never expects anything in return accept love, care and affection. Even if you don't get the love from somebody you love so much, it never changes, nor is affected, but be still and more rich as infinity. That's why probably love is the name of giving, falling... in somebody's feet as pure and beautiful as rose's blossoms. It's like the process of continuous effort or Karma yoga that Krishna taught to Arjuna or the ever melodious harmony and devotion and rest of all devotees till today. The way is different but the goal is same. Love is bliss yet it's a name of pain, a name of looser, which looses our own heart and sacrifices for someone we love. Once fallen in love is all material glory, so called terrestrial worth: name, fame, money, nothing values to us accept our love. Love is the name of being in pain, may be for this reason it is called fallen in love. The season falls, autumn season, where the leaf of trees use to fall continue painfully on the ground as the same kind of love use to fall here naturally. All I define, I always fascinated with the autumn sky, the change of colour in nature and its magnificent charm, but this fall season is too short, comes like a blink of eyes, puts the spell of its charismatic charm to all and vanishes in the time, leaving in the severe cold of winter behind us".

"The notion of tragedy's relating fall is interesting in the scientific study of the nature as well. The contact between tree with its each stem and leaves are so important. But in winter season, or as soon as winter starts, the coldness constraint the easy communication or contact between stem and leaves; this change makes a huge difference in the life of the leaves. They become lonely, without having easy and regular contact with its love with stem. As a result, day by day, it changes; its loneliness comes evident as true colour's heart in its leaves and it falls. Yes, the fall is beautiful, as it signifies the power of love and the situation of beloved in the change of circumstances in this universe in other word. It's the most wonderful time of season. Then we do miss the fresh morning odour of milky mist in the morning and the aroma of Dashain's (Dashain: is the most popular and great festival of Nepal, India, Bhutan and Srilanka) arrival. The clean blue sky and the stars studded nights, the most expressive clouds and the rich smell of soil, the gold ripe corns and the flying kites in the sky, the thousand petal marigold and the falling good writer's divinity all over naturally! Fall makes everyone falls in love with nature".

"So, look at the sky, the sun, which never changes its hue, while rising, as well as setting. It's like a great lesson for human being to observe that and they've to learn from nature, to be remained the same and unaffected in each ebb and flow the time which brings, but to learn from life and experience, look at the trees, its always suggesting care love and protection that's why the flowers are always smiling. Fall is great season, it teaches the value of loved ones and the ephemeral nature of life. Notorious mind, notorious thoughts, crumbles and joins up in there, salvation of many stories hides down behind the bars. Secrecy of the mankind and all the thoughts may go with the roughness within suppressed even but true love never has it all blindness in law and order".

"Love and dreams, these are the few words whose presence make our life worth living, either directly or in a hidden way. Whenever times are tough and the going gets rough we do hold our faith strongly and our faith says to us inside that, "Your good heart is there for you, you are a part of love, so how can you be hurt?" The strength of good thinking gives us lots of courage and confident. With this firm faith comes the hope, something which isn't rare at least, not new but still so beautiful to bring our lives whatever we crossed from our respective past. Hope is the ray of light that touches us in the darkest hour of our life to make us feel that "you are still very strong and you can face any adversities bravely, just keep loving yourself and the world around you because love is the most beautiful poem in the dictionary of hear and this striking poem does miracles". Every man has their negative thoughts in their minds but our love changes all and can be converting in positive way. So, in this way our hope strengthens our love and affection in large scale. Love, which according to humanity, bears all thing, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things. This love comes to us once in our life and whispers softly " don't let your dreams whither away, love your dreams, they can lead you to a wonderful world, they are your power, your inspiration, inspiration to do something, something good, something beautiful and something eternal and of course these our found of hopes automatically follow till your last breathe". Yes our very own dreams, which have been occupying our mind and residing in our hearts since time unknown, those dreams, make us realize our hope, our faith, and with this hope we just see how beautifully we create our entire life as an inspiration for others and getting a blessing from others".
"Well time is off now but I'd like to inform you that tomorrow all of you should be prepared for the next chapter, good afternoon". After finishing her class she goes to pick up her daughter. Today she's little late, it's already five o' clock...But in the entrance of the gate of her college, Pari, her dear friend appears,
"I'm pregnant Rachanna!!!" Pari becomes scare.
"Oh my god, congratulation!" Rachanna laughs and she adds again,
"It's a good news! I'm so happy for you my friend". She becomes so emotional suddenly.
"Thank you Rachana. My husband wants me to stop teaching from the next week and wants me to rest little". She does jokes. "So what's the month?" She becomes curious.
"Two"
"Are you anxious? It's the most beautiful news!" She supports her, rapidly she thinks of her daughter and says,
"It's very big time for you to become a mother my friend and I'm here too. But as of now I should go to pick up Asha, she's waiting for me. Did you finish your classes, if you did then we can walk just in the way of Ashu's school" She speaks so fast. "Yes, I did, let's go" They talk many things about future baby during this time till arrival in the school of Asha.
"Namaste Aunty" Asha offers her Namaste from the inside of the school's gate to her mother's friend; she does call her 'Aunty'. "Namaste Ashu " She replies.
"Are you waiting for long my baby" Rachanna tries to find an excuse.
"Yes! You're always late in the evening mom as usual..."Asha shows her dissatisfaction.
"I'm so sorry beta; you know your aunt is going to give a birth of little angel very soon!" She changes the topic and wants to make her enjoy by the news.
When she arrives near Asha, as she's already come out of the school, waiting for her. Rachanna smiles at her and asks in the excitement,
"How was first day my baby?"
"Good" She replies being cold.
"Aren't you happy to be in this school Ashu? What did happen? Tell me all my love" She's worrying from Asha's answer. "No mom I'm happy, of course but as it was a first day I wasn't feeling comfortable during the introduction period, that's all" She can't tell the question she was thinking since this morning after asking a name of her unknown father by one of her friend. In the evening, Rachanna really wants to know how her daughter does feel, she never saw her in this laziness situation. She only guesses that there might be something happened with her. So she asks again to her after arriving at home,
"Tell me my darling, aren't you happy from your new school?"
"I'm happy mom; just someone asked me something that I never imagined, about my father, that's all. But I'm sure I don't need to know him..."She becomes sad.

One small question 'Father' but the reaction of emotion is such a big in it. Rachanna feels that it's a time to tell her everything about her father, also let her know that her father wasn't a bad man, if not all the love she brings for her father can be spoiled by harmfully. Sometimes it's just that some relationships are so specials and we can't find any answer inside them, why and how are always be there, it's just more beautiful then all these questions even though it's so painful to live with it. Most of the times, when she's being questioned, she often speaks off the top of her head and it doesn't make any sense. This once, when she's being asked to speak about the rift in her relationship with Asha's father, she doesn't know even why she doesn't have a single answer too. She just doesn't know how it happened. But she doesn't feel also as if something unnatural has happened either too.
"you've every reason to know about your father my darling...I just couldn't tell you as you're still so young, at the same time I couldn't afford myself to put me in the past and explain every details to you..."
Crossing her unfinished dialogue, Asha tells her,
"I don't need to know him more mom..., for me you're every thing and I'm so happy with you but for the moment I'm hungry mom" She changes the topic.

They do diner as usual and Asha sleeps early because of her early school but Rachanna suddenly feels so many things inside her. One kind of flash back of her past in the middle of night, she tries to learn many letters that she wrote after finishing her relationship with his lost husband...Suddenly so many question around the bed, nights begin to fall...and the remembrances are falling apart like a water...I come to you to speak out my heart by writing since I don't have any news from your side, listen to me my dear and do not marginalize me alone like the mental timid walls of darkness like the countless letters unseen hanging in the point of emotional pain. I saw the aspirations of bosoms hanging in the rays of the eye's sights and see the shadows of death hanging in the heels while parting away from you. I had come to share life with you there, to see the joy of colourful life in the sports of light and shadows too, sun and showers in the distant land of mind with the habitat of our time and I found myself in his countless wave of sensibilities where was the garden of water, where the flowers of my heart blossom as the tops of the mountain's peaks kissed the blue sky fair but unfortunately after some time the flow whispers rounded me in with some uncertain blows of his immature altitude towards his own love with multiple symbols of his traditional heart yet. Neither a one to my vocabulary of the head nor meanings to the misty surface of my skinny eyes wish to open wide and deep like gorges. How do I remember the past years gone by with the huts and the build the impossible decorations with laurels on head in the innocent land of dream and reality...It's too late to dream again to find the past which was never mine...

I see my isolated past's calls of fearful cries are crying ahead and they are reshaping the emotional realities during the night. The shadows are curved for fear of the horrible horizons and the wistful ripples in my dream...I ask again is denying the passes of time where I see the bodies and the shadows fall apart, the blood is often away from the heart, the spirit from the soul and the soil in the killings of the innocent's innocent soul of my past, are the only share of my destination. I am gasping in the collective psyche in the sufferings of the innocent kind of drops of shadows. This controversy my life is making a sea of sufferings in the universal mind as I transfer my life to my unknown destiny. So often the series of tiny wrinkle of my feelings make ridges of waves in my soul. Here I tend to fall on the sand but my past love invites me indirectly to his sweet flow away to reach the dreamland of his heart. How I can come back, there's only pain, pain of tears, pain of sorrows...

I feel too high deep inside sometimes and the breaths go to the clouds to make the roars in turn and wet my world in compassion before a final flood and a storm come over me. My eyes rip in tears with the violent emotions and I see some shining flashes in the quakes and commotions, unseen multiple words and sounds hung in the tips of tongues are puffed and ballooned by the breaths of the wind and I still listen to the echoes in there for the voices of liberty and justice that I used to heard in my childhood days. So often I asked that why he was putting me on nail rope to every step I moved, why was he trampling while I was walking with my own idea and concepts, then what went wrong between he and me, what was wrong in my way of life and within me...In spite of gloom thoughts I am using full energy to move forward all alone, using full energy to move upwards too, I don't know now what sort of gravitation is behind me? Is that his shadow staying with me? But it's true that I'm feeling some emotional power is pulling back to me, is this society, people, culture of tradition? I want daylight but getting the dark night, I need peace inside me but finding the place of fight surrounding and I'm obliged to follow. My narrow road is to be my destiny in this society as long as if I decide to stay in this place but opposite power is breaking my destiny. Disturbances, pressures and calamities are in front of me, I've never seen morning dune and bright sunshine. Now I can feel that my five senses of life are totally ruined whatever I tried but find one tune of music and do listen only the songs of misery. I feel the pain and see wounded tragedy, I realize hopeless and helpless surroundings, my thoughts have weak boundaries where I can taste and found only bitter fruits, get smell of rotten roots but he seemed the way of his destiny along with his family, status and richness, leaving me end of dead on my path alone...I still wonder that how he got lost and missed the path we did choose together to followed.

Oh only one hope is brighter than these millions grief...My daughter! Summer's oppressive day is gone. Last time I and my daughter were on the roof watching the stars. It was about midnight but neither she nor I felt sleepy. I felt sensitive and aware. She was full of questions after discovering a word 'her father' even though her eyes were lowered and covered by a mask of doubts. As she walked towards me I was seeing as her feet stepped on many flowers. Every time when she smiles I use to forget all these past's predicament which circles in my mind and heart. When she wakes up in the morning, she couldn't separate herself from the roses that she planted in our garden. Asha is such a beautiful child; there's sensitivity in the way she moves her hands, the way she weighs down her eyelids and stares into space, her graceful walk and even her full throttled laugh brings a beautiful humour. Everything about her body language conveys so much pathos that it wrenches everyone's heart. Sometimes I feel sinful to prevent her to know lots of things about his father. How I can be so rude towards her, after all she's the most important person for me...

Suddenly she does hear a noise of knocking; she gives her attention to the door. Asha is knocking the door of her mother and says in her apprehensive voice,
"I had a nightmare mom, it's so terrible" She terrifies from her dreams.
"Oh come on my daughter...what kind of nightmare?" She asks to her, touching her hand in her forehead.
"About the big storm" She lays down in her mothers arms.
"Oh this silly storm disturbed my honey, but bad dream is bad dream my darling, it's nothing to do with reality!" She says near Asha's ears.
"Why does this dream uses to come around me mom? I feel as I'm drowning and..." She can't explain more and Rachanna tries to add,
"Everyone does pass through nightmare my darling but if we try to sleep peacefully then the bad dreams can be avoided"
"How?"
"For example by singing some songs or by listening so many beautiful stories!!"
"Really?" She laughs.
"Mom please sings our favourite song please; I like so much this song!" She insists.
"Alright!!" Then she sings a song for her daughter...to sleep.

Morning with love of red rose,
Kissing each leaf along
The part of nature plays a music in my garden
Hearing it, beauty rose bends over down with fresh air
Saying, life is leaf, life is leaf
Each season wishes to rise
Rose lays down, tears go down,
Giving its beauty all alone,
Sun should go down, rain should come round
Life is season, just like a season
Snow appears with the cold
Leaning amongst the flowers
And nurturing beauty within, hiding in the face upward,
Saying, love is red, love is rose...

Asha falls asleep, Rachanna brings her in the bed and again she returns to her room and tries to rope some words in the dim light. She thinks the cause of her nightmare is the shocking news of her father... She feels to tell her so many unidentified things of her father and her relationship with him as soon as possible. In the bed after saying a good night to her daughter, she tries to write something, the same feelings, same pain and same remembrances. Her every words seem to a kind of lake that she never felt drowning a once by using her deepest love and emotion only to her misfortune love...May be every season do change so easily but for her, her wounds of being unsuccessful in love that keeps her away from her reality. Her words are dropping by blue pain in the calm hill of mountain, just keep continue...My baby is the sweetest of all flowers, whose fragrance touches my soul and keeps it alight in my meaningless world. I can't remember the number of times I silently cried from my heart when she felt little sad. Even her little pain would fill my eyes with tears. The memories of the wonderful time we had together are always being fresh in my mind. As mother and daughter, we are supposed to share the joys and sorrows of life together but that was not to be. I had learned to take for granted the warmth in her love, the compassion in her affection and the sincerity in her thoughtfulness ever since as I opened my eyes to this evil world 30 years ago. But I never imagined I would live myself all alone. Thank god, I'm a mother of a beautiful girl, I'm not too far from shore, and else I would have drowned without having seen my daughter's soft voice. Yes, as far as her father, his remembrances left me completely now but near the shore where I can still see something important in his side as a responsible father. I do feel that naturally he got a golden heart and sense of sensitivity which Asha used to show sometimes. I still remember his sensual voice with his sensitivity what he told me one fine morning, "Rachanna, it's really difficult to think my life without you. I became very sick of my family's conceptions. I don't know when I will leave this family for you but I promise we will lead our lives happily without pain and sorrow". But what he said is said, may be he didn't find out the meaning of words he utilized...

In spite of all this, now I imagine how difficult and miserable my life would be if my daughter wasn't in my life again and again, staying away from my family isn't so easy but I'm happy enough from my daughter, I've a sufficient strength to show her bright future. I remember every moment she spent comforting me when I was depressed, laughing with me when I was glad, feeling proud with me when I was successful and defending me when I was in trouble. She is so very special to me. There have been many instances when I ill treated her, probably, being a mother isn't so easy but not once did I experience maltreatment from her. But now I realise also that it isn't sufficient for Asha to have only mother's love and affection. Now she needs her father's love, care and presence too... Somewhere I can feel her that she seems to loose herself in the mystery of her father's world that she's never knew. This is quite natural and I'm helpless...to tell her about his father, from where I can start... From my unsuccessful marriage?

"How is Ashu?" Rachanna's pregnant friend, Pari asks to her.
"Oh she's in the grief of lot of question but still run away from the shadow of her father's story...I'm little worry...Somewhere I feel she may hate me because I did hide the truth of her father" she says keep walking in the office of her college.
"May be it's a sudden shock for her. I think you should tell her every thing as soon as possible" Pari follows her.
"That's what I'm trying but I don't want she would feel forcing"
"You'll see, she's so understanding child and I'm sure she'll understand all if you explain little by little"
"Oh Pari I'd like to ask you some thing..."
"Tell me Rachanna, what can I do for you?" She requests her.
"May be soon or later I should let her go to see her father...I just thought that if you..."
"Of course Rachanna, after all she's my daughter too"
"Thanks" she says and adds in hurry,
"Well I've class Pari, see you in the evening!"
"Alright"

"It is arranged marriage, well my parents did that, so did his parents and his parents did the same for their son too without knowing his feelings. It is the tradition of Brahman culture, isn't that? Or it is the tradition of man in other way. In fact they knew our relationship but they ignored me as I came from the hell just because I'm from low caste family's background...When I was school my teacher used to say there's no any differences between man and woman but in reality women get second birth after marriage; either it's a heaven or a hell we never can tell, depending absolutely upon groom's nature and the interest of his family. Yes, love comes after marriage in Hindu culture as it's in most of the Asian culture but in my vision marriage is a legal relationship between two people; living together as sexual partners; to share joys and sorrows of life together, promised to love, care and company each other whatever in our circumstances. Marriage in this sense is very important phase of one's life, regardless country, ethnicity, religion and culture. Again regarding to my own vision it can't be compared with the present's tradition of this society. I was accused as lower cast by some evils as it's a sacred bond to join two different people together in order to participate in the functions of creating life together. By chance if it happens to mixed marriage out of ruler custom and tradition then also it's so difficult to give birth to a child as continuation of new generation. If we see out side of the country the social expectation of marriage in this regard is pretty much better all around the world but why not here? The shared happy life of two people as a result of love and devotion is enough to step into process of creating new life and it's the universal theme of marriage. On the other hand, the sacred vows and chanted rituals always don't work to fulfil common expectations of marriage every time. The word 'divorce' never would have coined, had there been all happy marriages also we can see an example".

"Besides these causes, eastern concept of marriages stays longer out of semi good reasons as well. As nuclear way of family system narrows most of western desire to live with elders in family and makes generation self cantered, keeping marriages as business of only bride and groom; whereas the huge involvement of family in Asian culture plays tremendous role to keep marriage strong with emotional ties with members of family but in the topic of woman's rights it failed itself to create the balance of responsibilities towards every sector, whether it's a house work of business, social or education and health. But in western society, even if the marital relationship between husband and wife doesn't work out, the family of both sides offer care and support to the bride and children and make them feel home. Out of love with family members as well as expectations of obedience and elegance of women in society, many women are keeping marriages even though it is out of control".

"Right from stone period, women started taking care of home, children and family while men go outside hunting and fetching food. It is not only custom, long run tradition created by dominating man's mind, but different skills of people mastering any particular activities. Women are always caring by nature, easily perform cooking, nurturing and are creative. Men on the other hand are better on physical activities, outdoor works and so on. History records the human activities in best forms, and histories are made out of several real stories. The activities and skill of men and women make stories and they are recorded as history. Now the same thing is named the tradition and culture, the society is group of people around human existence, they keep on expecting same thing again and again, and I wonder what they are habituated to do. But man do nothing accept putting the power of so called culture on their children's heads and bargaining to sold their hearts to others without find out their wish for marriage...The concept of marriage, the role of husband and wife are out product of ongoing social expectations but woman's worth and values are still destroying here in the name of culture and tradition".

Today is Saturday, Rachanna comes to the balcony to join her daughter who's observing all the ray of shining in those Himalayas, and probably she's searching an answer. Rachanna tries to know her mood first,
"How do you feeling my darling, we've big holiday in front of us!!!"
Rachanna observes if her daughter is feeling well. After all the question of her father becomes one shock for her.
"I'm sorry my darling..." After a while, Asha sits her back and at the same time she is troubled by her mother's pain, could see the pain living in her eyes and she becomes to know how hard she tried to give her a good education, and now as she decided to make her cry to say good b...
"How's are you feeling?" she asks to her daughter.
"I'm doing fine mom, don't worry so much, I'm your very naughty daughter..." Suddenly, her logical sense speaks out. From couple of days, she was trying to know so many things about her father. She takes an opportunity be peaceful with her mother by silence and silence means so many questions for her,
"I'm sorry too mom, I was so cold yesterday...But I'm wondering why it happened, I'm wondering if he loves me, want to see me...that's all..." She says deeply. She says again,
"I'd like to visit the temple mom!" She looks at her eyes saying this unimaginable topic during this conversation. "I want you to know about your father my darling; I even didn't inform him about your birth. I know you'll feel bad but I'd like to tell you all my sweet heart. You father doesn't even know about you my sweet heart" She tries to continue the subject of her father.
"Why he left you mom?" She comes very close to her mother and asks again,
"Yes I'd like to know all the things but please help me to understand mom..." She requests to her mother showing her painful eyes.
"Of course my darling, I'm here to speak you every words that I couldn't tell you before". Looking at the mountain's clouds she stars to tell her past life from the beginning.

"We were in the same class in the schools but somewhere in my heart, I liked him. I loved him somewhere much that I used to feel. Little by little I felt that my life's got no meaning without him. I had never said anything to him about my feelings during seven months, but I knew I got to tell him one day. So pouring all feelings from my heart, I wrote a letter and gave it to him through one of my friend. For a moment while giving this letter to him, I felt like I was left alone in this big world. I was a kind of disturbed. Somewhere in my heart, I felt like if he refuses to take my letter my love towards him would end here. In the first he read the letter and felt quite uneasy. He was silent for a moment and then he said few words. I still remember those words. He'd said, "I respect your feelings, but speaking my heart, I never dared to write my feelings for you, I don't know what to do...", Then our love story started. There wasn't any misunderstanding between us. Our relationship had a meaning more than any other relationships in this world. I looked very happy with him. I had never seen before such happiness in my face. I felt like doing all the good things in this universe. I don't know the reason perfectly of splitting after few years, I can only guess but I do think that it may have had to do with love that we shared and was growing up in the fear destruction by his relationship with his family. As his love coloured everything at this point of time there was somebody who was the most important for me was he and I didn't look around to ask me if I'll have a problem waiting for me. I felt my days brighter when I found that he loves me but somewhere I was afraid if he doesn't express his feelings and hide inside because of his family? I asked so many further questions about our love and our future. But little by little our relationship became popular topic to everyone during these two years".

"I really wish to go into the details of why that happened and why did it happen in those past... I respect him and I respect the fact that he's kept his silence all through during my waiting days. May be we were destined differently by times and the culture didn't give any allow to ask our possible togetherness, that's all I can guess. He didn't try to make me or sympathized with his words or he didn't try to sound as if he was trying to justify himself to everyone. But there are neighbours who've been going around saying he had done something irresponsible, which is far from the truth. Also if he knew he's got one daughter then everything would have been worked but after your birth it was too late because he'd already married since five month. I couldn't be so destructive or thinking only myself or ignoring his parent's wish to see their son settle down with one Brahman girl. Before your birth I did think about every way from my view and angle to carry out the pain that I'd in my mind and heart but now my destiny has changed with your smile my baby. Your eyes are my real world and I'm inside the ocean to swimming a huge love of motherhood and want to lost here, may be this is the most beautiful part of my life that I'm living in this present days".

"I tried to let him know about you too and It's not as if I've abandoned the idea to let him know, just time wasn't right. From where I've seen his life, with a beautiful wife and his life seemed paradise, I really couldn't afford to destroy his family life because I never hated him. If all this sounds like I'm trying to say he isn't the bad guy here yes, honestly, I don't think he's one. And I don't want my baby to grow up under some misconception. I know what I am doing. You can judge me if you like my darling, but I'd rather not talk about it. After all he's a father of my beautiful baby. After your birth my life was really going to change. I was the one who really doesn't know what to do next. Naturally I was very shaken up and very sad at time too. When he spoke to me about his wedding programme by his parents, in separating from me, I potentially lost my anchor, my guide, my friend and so much more that he was to me. So I hate it when people say he's abandoned me and you. As far as I know he's abandoned himself in his way probably. He was never the person in control anyway. Perhaps it's time he is that person in control after settle down. In other hand I needed to do this to grow up with time as your very good mother..."
"When I walked out of my marriage, I was obviously prepared to risk a certain amount of damage. But it's shocking how many damaging things are being said about me by villager, as lower caste girl, losing her body with rich Brahman boy. Perhaps I wouldn't have been quite so misunderstood if I had been around in the big city, at least I could stay without hearing so much funny thing on me by villagers. It looked as if I'd just taken off when I was away for my own reasons. He knew what I was doing but he has never really spoken, may be somewhere he was in confusion and didn't have any strength to fight with society to proof me as his wife. So without his support, how I could do responding to all those walls which reminded during our togetherness".

"Honestly, no one really knows what happened between us but it was too hard to live with a broken relationship, even my own family do take a distance by fear of losing their respect in the society. I don't feel guilty and we didn't have a crazily unhealthy relationship either. I don't know how the rift came. But it did. There is no malice, no anger, and no venom. From his side his decision to leave the relationship with me was a healthy thing to do and it required him to be very brave. I don't see this time why I should not appreciate the sincerity, the honesty of it through I was in the hell at time. Because ending a relationship is a huge step and it takes a lot of getting used to, again if you've a child. Till a few years ago, I didn't know whether I could manage on my own in this earth. My education value has nothing to do with it. When we're in a difficult situation, it's very easy for people to tell you how to be. But the other day I was lying down on the yard, in our house and you're in my stomach, and wondering how many of those people are actually concerned about whether I sleep well at night, nobody... Life is such a struggle whether we're in hell or heaven, we should go ahead".

"I've realised now that I didn't really walk away from a marriage. The happened non happened of my marriage is still there, a just step back from wedding stage, so what if I'm not married, the only thing that has gone is a dream of being a official wife of someone, perhaps it wouldn't be heaven's look when I see you every single morning. Whatever happened, I will always do my best to support your father indirectly by heart. He's a father of my beautiful baby and I have incredible respect for him. As far as my parents go, they went extremely away from me because they didn't face the reality of my soul; they weren't going through a lot of trauma as I did, may be. They neither saddened nor anguished from my situation, in other word, didn't they have extreme support towards me. But I've nothing to say negative to them, they did what they feel from the heart and I totally respect their decision too. They have their individual relationship with their lives and that is not really going to change, irrespective of what my equation of love towards them will always be the same. So what he's living in his world, I'm sure he would be proud of himself from his soul to see his daughter one day. After knowing you he'll be little close to us and consider himself as a part of shore toward you, my baby and of course he and my relationship might not be the same it once was but it'll be a relationship, a relationship that I will cherish forever with a smile of your soul".

The drops of tear are falling up to the cheeks of Rachanna, feeling so tired to tell all these mysteries which she'd hided since years and years. Probably she could feel something less weighable pain in her soul, telling the truth of her daughter's life and joined with her father's road makes her feel as something come up her to do her duty. Asha does understand some things but not really all, may be she's still so young to understand. All she thought that today she got something completely new spirit of place that she never thought or imagined before, naturally the place naturally has created after her birth, the place of her father's image in her heart. Soon or later it may come up to the end of this mystery but probably this evening was perfect time to fulfil the place of her father in her heart which she was feeling unconsciously day by day even though so much love of her mother around her blood. Of course the reason of an identity naturally stays in the two corners, father and mother. Whole the night keeps them in the arms altogether. After being little satisfied of this mystery she asked her mother painfully,
"Mom... can I meet him one day; do you think he'll accept me as his daughter?" She asks by avoiding her confusion on her unknown father.
"Of course my love, you're the most beautiful present of god that everyone wants you without having any question in their minds and I'm sure he'll be proud of you because all I couldn't dare to do that you're going to do. You're the most beautiful butterfly that we ever have got whatever our destinies turned up against us long time ago my baby" She convinces her through she was sure about it. After pause she continues,
"I'm so greedy my baby and may be I didn't wanted to share my baby with other, even with your father but it doesn't mean you don't have right my love. You can proudly say your self that you're belongs to your mom and dad. So what if you didn't see him till now, you've whole your life to discover whole the relationship with your own parents. Yes I do feel guilty somewhere that I did hide something very important, the question of your father but I couldn't be so selfish to broke his marriage being a selfish too by telling him in his wedding that you've got your daughter. It could have destroyed all the relation of your father with his family, so..."She keeps silent automatically. It's midnight, and Asha feels so tire as well as Rachanna too. For Asha, just to find out so many mysteries about his father in one night isn't painless. She sleeps but Rachanna deeply goes in to the past memories.

About twelve years, when I think of it... I speak truth; he was the part of my life, in fact better to say my heart and soul. I still remember that day, our first meeting and his indifferent looks towards me. There was a special attraction; I could not stop myself to pour my interest towards him. I am now, not getting the right words or the sentences to describe that experience. I won't be committing any heresy praising his sublimated, especially honey beggared on his sweet voice. There was tenderness, delicacy and delight hanging upon him, terrible disturbing and noisy nights changed to sound and peaceful one. As I was living near his house, especially my room, sometimes back used to be a hell turned to a heaven in his presence; full of eternal bliss. Because he was there, I felt a spring season, flowers in the garden and birds singing there. I must say he was my love, heart to soul.

Today unwillingly my eyes are witty, weighty, iron red when I turn to the past. I can feel that tears flowing down from these oceans of my eyes. I knew he was honest person, but mirage of confuse of trusting him completely was there, playing hide and seek inside me. I often came across some sort of sounds and later happened to strike off certain objects and tools in my table's kitchen room. Such a sudden his appearance became more and more closed without questioning if I had right to fall in love was also my first bitter experience. Really, every moment of our life is mysterious; to get rid from worries we further worry for it again. Now, I knew the actual bond I had with him; he is no more with me presently. I knew the price of loving him but it was quite late to think about. When people used to see me differently with him I got furious intended to ask them the cause directly. But it was useless either in this selfish society. Really, what outer my face looked like, may be a lower caste girl was trying to hanging with a Brahman guy. But I don't know why, whoever he was very dear to me; I should depart from these 'why and how' earlier... One cannot be fully reckoned here. Whom to believe and whom to suspect in this condition... Myself or fear of the society, I even didn't know how to find out the guilt inside me even thought I didn't do anything wrong accepts falling in love with someone. Losing my temper on the way of thinking all these difficulties of my own sentiment, I wished, I were swimming in the cold sea but no way, no choice left out rather than to become a fish out of water for days. I kept late hours in his remembrance. The only injustice I did is I could not pay any thing in return of his endless attention to me or rather to say it was again late but we can't force ourselves to fall in love with someone, it just happens... I was very unlucky person; I never got what I want in the past. I long for one thing that went out in the other way. Today he's not in my house but the candle of his mixed remembrance is still lightening my heart and the whole room in the house brighten along with it. He often comes in my mind and stays for hours. But going to know our relationship, still I am unknown and it was really a great tragedy.....

Life seems to be fading away since nothing seems satisfied to me. When I look at the mirror I usually find stranger standing in front of me and I feel horror. So I am scared to look at the mirror, in other word I hate to be in front of the mirror. I frown most of the time so people say me insane but I am not. How can I make them understand that I am searching for my own identity since I lost it? Time is running and my shadow is also running with time but I left my special test of shadow behind, I missed my own shadow. Time betrayed me or I couldn't catch it I don't know but I missed the time of happiness. I think there is play going on behind me to make me loose the game of life and inside me I'm playing the leading role of being a suffering river by uneasy heavy floods... But with out caring this play I am running to catch the time also. It seems that there's a life and there's no life too as the image of black and white feelings. But I do believe deep inside that a gift of life is very beautiful which was gifted to me not a long time before but it went bad soon due to the humidity in my eyes. And its result is in front of me with buried hope and love and dream along with desire. I am already welcomed to go but I am still here, waiting for arose of some hope though sun denied bringing dawn in my life, black cloud promised to stay with me all the time and rain looses the interest to fall over me but storm is still following me unconsciously with every sense of my past.

I'm not ready yet to enter in unknown world of love once again. I've still hope of having hope, love to love and dream to have dreamt though the most of the beautiful things split over me. I dare to live life alone because I can resist the loneliness. Nothing really looks good to me so I can resist loneliness. People may think me isolated creature but I'm not creature, I am also human being as they are and as well as have feelings as they have. I can also smile as they can but with whom I should express my feelings since there is no one who really understands me. My baby is so innocent and I can't make her suffer from my past. To whom I should give my sorrows since all the people love my tears. I am ignored, so I am scared and this is that what I never want. Anyhow I have to make myself courageous if I have to live life as I want, but how? I have no answer. Somewhere I feel that I'm loosing my patient. People say the waiting gives deserved result. Waiting, waiting, waiting ok I will wait through out the whole life but is there any one to give me guarantee that result will be in my favour, no na? Can any one say that whether I'm doing justice to myself not by waiting? Waiting for whom? And what will be the reaction of these selfish villagers, by chance if I find someone to marry then how I can explain all this to my daughter... Does any body dare to answer my question?

I know no one has got an answer for my question. My question seems very simple though the answer is very difficult because the truth is I'm a woman living in this suppositious older society. If I ask this easy question to anybody they can't answer me, so they say, "Why do you always talk pessimistic thing? Be optimistic to live life your happily". Yes I agree with them, I have to be optimistic but what I should do to these questions that's surrounding me every time and I can't leave them; if I do then I am sure that it'll be obstacle for the each and every step of my life that I am going to take. I am taking forward step wearing cloth of questions in every falling season. Life itself is now question for me but as far as the question of my daughter I should give her what I couldn't achieve in my life and I won't allow these questions to make hole in her mind, never. I have hope and determination which will not allow me to loose the hope because I'm not alone at all and I've huge responsibility towards my daughter's future. At the same time as I can't bare any more pain I am afraid to do anything at the same times. I don't know the hope that I have is true one or false and I also don't know the determination is with new destination of my daughter may give me the peace and guts or not but still I am here to trying...

False hope and destination towards fewer journeys are useless which gives us pain but never repairs. Life is to live not to die but unwillingly we have to die. So, in life on this earth everything that we hope and want is impossible to get. We have to learn to be satisfied with very few things. Some time we have to kill ourselves to live. World isn't actually planned for sorrow, misery, and unhappiness as far as I feel. But all the things never go as plan and in something we have to compromise. So, unsatisfied people, who usually don't want to compromise, always welcome themselves to go. I am not the one who leaves the world only because there is no happiness in my part of the life and I am also not ready to compromise with anybody for anything. So I am living dead life. I have living body of dead life. And I am ready to live this type of life rather then doing any thing which is against my desire to make my daughter's bright future.

What I am living, is against the nature, nature doesn't tell us to live all alone or doesn't tell us that we should live with our husband to make grow up our children, I know this very clearly. If nature wants to go opposite to me then I don't stop it since I can't. And I also do know that if nature goes against me then it is sure that I have to face defeat. There will be soon cortege for me soon or later after my daughter's departure though I am little afraid I am not going to change my thinking and tracks, I just keep her loving from the deep. My neighbours may think why I am betting the life with the values of tradition and decide to live alone with my daughter. Ok but I want to ask them a question again... Do they think what I am doing is betting? If yes then do they think without betting the life is it possible to live independently? If they take this question lightly then they'll understand otherwise I don't want to waste my time and energy to think about others. But I take this question seriously and try to understand what I mean and what I will be in the future. If I have strong desire then it'll be better to live life for me. I don't know about them and I also don't want to know their opinion because this life is mine and I can't live the life by sacrificing my own values and ideas to others.

Sitting wasted and wounded with a pain, trying to capture the moment, I can't imagine just hangover of the past, it still lies in my head. I don't know if tears are the joy of pain though I had a lot to prove it is. But to win for nothing except to lose isn't a wants to touch the sky and spread the wings... but the hopeless dream of mine started to fall down. When I look in to my eyes it's been burning red of fire, can't say wrong thing right a thousand times and I don't dare to stop time just to make him understand… If this broken heart could only speak off, would say he became a fake and the rough I came to his life with a bag full of dreams without thinking much. It would have been graceful morning if my life has no rhyme like the song of time. I was making my way in the winding road and I became a fool to let go of love and thought of him much. I regret somewhere; I could stand by my side before I was injured. I thought he had changed and I provoked wrong of the drama that concerned to our love and future but he became like a fallen autumn leaf simply without any twig and followed the conceptions of other's mind.

"Mom, please I don't want to go to school today. Let me be home please!."
"No way! I know why you don't want to go to school. It's because you want to see the festival of village, don't you? I'm pretty sure you can catch the festival in another moment my love, why do you worry? And you will see all by the time you come home from school. So, no more excuses for school time...."
"Mom, please, I've headache today, my knee is aching today, please, I don't want to go to school, just for today, and I will never ask you again, I swear."
"Well! No more discussion in this topic my sweet heart, you're not baby now I am telling you, come on, your breakfast is ready," Finishing to cook the chapatti, she prepares the tea with milk of yak for her. Asha eats the breakfast unwillingly, still upset to go to the school, so she's already out of the door of her house. Opening the gate of house Rachanna asks to her daughter,
"Asha, did you take your new pen and umbrella?"
"Yes, I never forget that mom.., but never mind; I forgot to take my note book..."
"I know you must have forgotten something. Let's go my darling, we are getting late now" she says from outside of the gate.
"You've class early mom?"
"No, I've board meeting and I'm supposed to be there at nine but..."
"If we walk fast, I think you will be there before nine"
They arrive at Asha's school first. As Rachanna seems to hurry, saying bye to her daughter she starts to run in the way of her collage.

"Good morning first of all, well today we're going to finish the chapter of 'travelling in the tears' that we couldn't finish last time. Well usually in the travel of our life we use to share the experiences and encounters with others and we do take so many memories with us, consciously or unconsciously. And one day when our soul leaves the body use to remember whole our travel and races towards space and becomes adventure of gift in our book of memories. At night, as the sky has turned weighs as winter turns to spring, but yet our soul uses to cry expecting if we can return our feeling to people that we met during our journey... We wish upon a moon, we feel about ourselves, still we look and hope to find these words of our beloved which's given to us as the most beautiful present for all the times. Just one more minute..."

"Each day dictates so much love by a heart which uses to come in every thought of us. All of our life, ever since these eyes we liked from our childhood to teenage age and teenage to older age, we may not hold our eyes and at night we wish to call out the moon to tell ourselves to explain the meaning of our poem that we use to write to those eyes and wishing to say after so long time that 'a glance at the sky brings to me some words and I want to say, night begins to fall but each night I wish through this night if I can travel each stars with you to feel their rays in my soul with your love, a place in where I can feel restless. I never ask, I never wanted and I never wanted the pain come over you. The moment I looked in your eyes though there were shadows, I always wish to share to make you feel good. So long as the world contains me, I am asking here why the rain was heavy from the sky as the pain surrounding towards human in every moments, this moment I really needed rain to hide my tears by hopes. Air of the see startles little waves, till I could not look at my moon to my every day life, may be the reason is something else, and could be so many blunders from my part out of my imagination or consideration. I began to see again, my life exists in me within you. The sun soon starts to set at night, the sky has turned weighs as winter turns to spring and again I use to go in my shadow as usual to find the lost happiness with your spirit that I probably ignored lots of time. It's been a long time since we last met, a good chunk of life's elapsed since then, the warmth of your love's still so fresh, it flows in my body like monsoon rain, and never finish the drops of your love that you've given to me'. These are the thoughts probably comes in our mind to recover all the beautiful memories by replacing our mistakes and we're going to make in our travel all over again. Well, I'd like to stop here and I'll be not present tomorrow. Have a nice afternoon. Thank you very much"

Silence in the midnight, there's no any noise, some barking of dogs from far away, reflecting it from the mountains. Rachanna is so sad tonight and writing her thought continue...I never think my life to know the reason why for which reason he made me ruined to die somewhere, after all he's a well educated person and basically he's a good guy but I don't know why I feel so big anger towards him tonight, may be he didn't support me during my difficult days...I can't help myself to think of him in bad manners, just because I became non important person for him after finishing our relationship. I didn't leave him, so why he gave me punishment...As a mother I'm so happy but as a lover my love stayed incomplete in the middle of the highway...That's the reason which makes me to think bad of him. Of course I'm not a God and I can't be positive all the time but I know he was, he himself being acted as he settled down in other country. I didn't ever thought he could go emotionally all the times and I took him to be my pride but for ever I found him was penny wise of my love. These are the things he didn't like to think this point of time and that's the reason why he never fully grown up in the thoughts of settle down with me. In the great silence and tears we two parted grief of leaving and was more pondered, I can feel that. It seems like yesterday though passed away ages, the stolen kisses; I swear very sweetest and still lingers around. Echoes of his words, still keeps on striking my soul; I feel like still there hovering around me, longed for him can't ever be measured as he already being treasured in my heart, in entire life. It was my ignorance just triumphs of imagination over intelligence because I loved the flower that fades but love its endless act of forgiveness so far whatever the result comes out.

I'm lost in the thoughts unconscious of my own presence flying high in the dreams with my corner at an ease, never had I felt so lonely always. I loved to rock the world but now all my enthusiasm is gone; I'm dying here all alone with up coming result of being blind. The immature time passed in daylight after the teens, I was in shed tears and never seems to stop from rolling been months. I'm longing to listened laughter; I was never before so deceased used to be the synonym for laughter. All that broadness has got smaller, been weeks I was waiting for him to come... All the thoughts were gone with the irregularity within and hidden again. I see the angles blackness surrounds with moon...I don't know what the tomorrow reserves me again; it makes me feel as dark as I've already passed through...

Sometimes to find the peace I find myself talking alone with the mountain, I expect to send for me my bird to chirp in my ear when I'm asleep, wake me up from the window by bird's sweet songs. In my sleep I wander around and go to the garden with sweet flowers, colourful butterflies I see, go out to catch them in vain, I'm even swept to the world of gutter blood I see flushing everywhere... Unusual fights with every day, the sound of firing fumes of dirt and hate rate all around are surrounding from the peak of a mountain. I see the white grown people livingly dead hands fixed, legs stuck can say nothing can do nothing I even swam to the bottom of the sea, dolphins are dead and sharks attacking me, gold fishes seem dark without any light, with hate rate to shark they want to fly I can see but no more I want to wake and scent alive. I don't wish my life of dream and I don't even believe that death is the reality, I'm afraid I may just kill myself If there is no other way to kill emotions. I'm afraid I may just drown myself if water is only there to cool down my emotions. Being able just to do nothing just had lunch and belly doesn't seem noticing. I don't even want to speak to any friend, I'd like to have some dope and live in fantasy under the sun. But sun is pouring rays upon me as always, still my mind falls in the dark and my body shivering with cold feel and it encircles me for chat sessions. I feel hard bringing up the words to mouth and my ear refuses to grasp their sayings, so I say I'm nothing but suffering traveller, suffering from the love which went coward...

Yes there is no other way but to find out the road of destiny between him and me, but... There just has been a power cut of the electricity of love supply to make us dark. It made my heart bright dark recalling the person I heatedly like. It's just making a sick of me and thoughts of him evolving within... I don't know anything if my mind tries to forget and the heart always put onward my feelings. I really wanted to part of his heart, wanted to travel whole life with him but because of cultural ego of his family it just jumped in between confused. When confuse develop itself without idea of any hearts then it begins to blast and harm to so many good souls.

My life is candle in wind, any time the hurricane can come with so many past wounds... Wound, which is in my heart as the part of me, seems to be very simple but how it looks isn't really how it is. Sometimes all this thinking makes me depressed and I wish my death but I don't want death of timid at all too. Being a mother of a child without marriage in this society, I am feeling as whole earth is falling over me, pointing me as I did something very sinful act and giving to me something very badly reaped seed of sorrow in my life considering a punishment. Death isn't only way out for this, it'll be proceed of foolish human, as far as I do understand that running away from the reality which is very much bitter flavour than some story of book or novel. All the days I spent in between my birth to before being a mother was turned into difficult phase of my life, however I struggled. So, gloomy days of my life is gone after when I became a mother, drawing all my past with colour of misery running with black clouds. New leaf my life has already begun with the love of mother which I've lot inside. But still I have no idea about the result if I can go alone so far. Tonight prevents me to sleep with so many questions, negative thoughts are rounding me as usual and I'm still writing. New Sunday will be a big day; my baby is going to meet her father for the first time. She's so exited but I've fear that she might be disappointed from what she imagined about him but all I can pray that she may find him a nice father's figure even though he's going to see her daughter for the first time too, I don't know the result and not knowing the result is killing me slowly...

She never felt lack of someone's presence before, but now her father... Naturally we are told that every child need the love of their parents in equal but it doesn't seem to her. She never asked any question about her father because she got lots of loves and affections from her mother, but it's a partly true...All we need the love of father too, so natural...All I can guess she might be think that that no need to feel someone who doesn't exist in her life personally. Today I was so worried about Ashu. Now I'm wondering about her and her growing up. Sometimes I think if she wasn't with me then my life would have become hell...At the same times I'm so apprehensive inside getting selfish, may be from the words of father of Ashu might be the reason... Today as well though across the years and miles, each and every moment I pray for him for his life and smile that I loved once. If I would meet him again, somewhere, someday, sometimes there will be just big silence and tears to greet him, of course, because I can't hide this anymore. Concentration of my mind is lost somewhere and I can't stop the roaming heart deeming of old shits occur, I am sorry my own heart if I may fall. All the pains that had crumbled upon and I'm trying to suppress them all once again after so long time. Today I'm turning the chapter and wishing him to not feel our child undesired. I wish him that he may give her all these loves that she'd been expecting since her birth, that's all. Misunderstanding shouldn't be arising in the heart of child, that's all I need from him. Next sunshine will be shining following day.

"Mom" Asha knocks the door of her mother but she is in the way of preparing some new cloths for Asha's holidays.
"Mom shall we go?" Asha waits for her mother outside of the house, looking at her bag of school "We're late mom" She gets unsatisfied by her mother's habit of forgetting something in the last minute.
"Coming beta...I'm just looking a cover for your new English books, may be you'd like to read it in the bus. Yesterday you lost one na! Your head always stays in the moon, I hope you won't loose it this time my darling" She complains to Asha by showing her joking face in the air and smiles.
"Of course not mom! I've every thing in my bag" she replies calmly looking at the door.
"Mom please I'm your daughter and I'll always be, don't feel sad..."She said kissing her mother.
"You do care yourself and..."
"You've already asked Pari Aunt to go with me for my company mom, I just need to be grown up, and don't you think so?" She jokes with her mother.
"Are you ready Ashu?" Pari aunt suddenly appears and add again,
"You seem so happy to go to meet your father!" She says looking at Asha.
"Just once then I'll see Aunt" She replies.
"Let's go Ashu, don't want to say bye to your mom" She asks her.
"Yes, of course!" Then she enters her mother's arms and she says,
"I'll be back soon mom, I'll miss you"
"I'll miss you so much too my darling, take care of you!"
"Bye mom"
"Bye Rachanna"
"Bye my sweet heart..."

Asha enters in to the bus and thinks seriously about her mother; this is the first time that she's leaving her mother. Somewhere she's a happiness of excitement to meet her father, after all she's going to meet him for the first time and already imagine what would be the meeting with her father. Other side she feels to stay in the middle of the bridge. Hopefully, Pari sits besides her, watching Asha's so dim face and she asks to Asha,
"Are you fine my Ashu?"
"I'm thinking about mom, she became alone na..."She starts to being so emotional, looking at Kanhudada's hill trough the window of bus she is searching her mother's presence, which she's missing already.
"You know Ashu your mother always wanted that you could meet your father, and I'm sure that you're going to see your father for good things. Your mother will always be waiting for you whenever you'll return." She gives her so much courage to take up the same decision that Asha did while ago.
"Mom always says that if you're in the some painful situation then try to sing a song by remembering all those beautiful things that you've kept from your past. Now I'm really thinking about the song she used to sing for me, 'Pokhara ko bus'..."She tries to make herself almost confident by her mother's song, probably she does think that this song could help her against being speechless at that moment.
"We can sing together if you want!" She smiles looking at her happily.
"Yes!"
"Pokhara ko bus aipugyo khairani jahalko lairani" They sing this song together.
The bus starts to take its destination. Little by little the bus is leaving Pokhara on the way of Khairani, where the father of Asha is waiting. Asha looks back from the window, all in her eyes and heart is her mother. Little by little the image of Kanhudada becomes invisible. Asha seems happy with the song of her mother, which guides her new destination and its new discovery too.

After finishing her day in the college, Rachanna comes to home but she finds so empty everywhere. Evening begins to fall but she can't stand up once, goes to the garden where her daughter uses to nurture all these flowers...Looking at the skyline she thinks of her daughter, she's missing her too much. Finally she enters to her room but can't sleep, so she starts to follow her feelings by words in her diary. I'm missing so much my daughter, the house seems so empty without her beautiful eyes, without her it seems that the sunshine like rays of darkness everywhere, falling down completely on the shadow of tree where I'm eating the orange alone but there's not any test of as her present. I feel my little angel has stepped down on earth to leave me and my aching heart is blocking somewhere. Her absence brings me faraway from this stressing highway. For the moment I've only her smiles around my eyes but I still miss her so much. I feel so touching just when I feel her, and imagine her silky, flowing hair constantly teasing her exquisite back, the petite figure, the restless eyes where the smile on her lips just about a rose in her garden. She's so beautiful, she's almost divine an Angel, may be the nature must've made her with nothing else on time accept spring to make my day big and live with happiness, perfect she's in her own special way. Every smile of her makes my day and now it only stays in my dreaming whisper, I'm thinking of her...

So darkness everywhere I see, I feel that the fate hurled me across the misunderstanding reasons that I couldn't explain before, in my heart causing within to cut out the soul goes up. I'm so sorry my daughter. Of course I'm regretting, even in this isolated situation of mine I'm trying to correct my mistakes to make her keep on long way from her father...What a mother I am, I can't excuse myself for that. But so many wishing for my daughter is coming to this desolate shore from my whispering breathe where her pictures are risen from core to core. Days may go on and years may pass through my heart's wounds but I can reach to her anytime even in a blinding flash wherever she'll be, well that's what I'm feeling. Without her it seems piece of emptiness, empty calmness, and thirsty wind blow towards small corner of garden a dim light is seen because I'm missing the bright light of my daughter's eyes. Her bright lights on her face in every morning, its beauty lighten inner ken as I touch with utmost heart. The fairy breeze holds my heart and guides me towards peak of glory when I think of her yielding voice. I feel I'm growing small and past world become exhausted. Losing the confusion in this middle of night, I made throw out myself in confusion and held the scene of our song "Pokhara ko bus" to recovering all the loves that I've for my daughter. Calling her out from the mountains, travelling amongst the woods I passed, and the shades of the sky seems to lighten, nearer the night seems to illustrate however I draw myself in her songs, still it reminds me with beautiful melodies that she roped with her high sensibility. I don't want to wonder if my dreams repeat itself but by the way in the morning I'd like to feel her with the sun wherever I try to step in the search of my destiny. Down the stream of the twinkling stars, I see face's reflection in the pool with the leaf of lotus and I know my sweet heart that you, my daughter know the truth of these flowers.

Oh my beautiful darling, I have come to home but to speak out my heart is difficult without your presence my dear. Please come soon to the place where you spent every season of love with your poor mother, to see the joy of colourful life in your own garden. I do see in your countless ripples in the garden of water. The flowers of my heart is flowing and going out of control as the tops of the mountain's peak, kissing the blue sky fair, the unseen time of my feelings flow, whispers me some uncertain road with multiple symbols of my heart, crying silently and tries to find you every corner of house but I know you're in your voyage my darling. Yet in this house neither a one to my vocabulary of the head nor meanings to the misty surface of my skinny eyes do open melodiously, just going deep like a river. All this past years are gone by with the hut of this village and the decorations with laurels on head in the innocent land of dream, in the reality the delicate innocence inside the heart of your hands observed the present causes of cares within me. I see the distant calls me of fearful cries and rewrite the incomplete roads. As I transfer my life to you since your birth my darling, the series of tiny ripples of my feelings make ridges of waves around the house in your non-appearance. Here I tend to fall on the limited access highway but you invite me to your sweet flow away to reach the dreamland where may be I've been dreaming to be forever. I feel you too deep sometimes and my breaths go to the clouds to make the roars in turn and wet whole my puzzlement by a fear to loose you one day. Even with these violent emotions I see many shining flashes in the quake of my fear to not find you in my side.

Full of lies appeared in me perhaps but I'm trying to remove them, trying to throw all them away. Your absence tries to kill me and make me feel miserable my darling, I can't help to repeat and say I'm missing you. Those soft words of you my darling whispers in my ears and tears me apart. I ignore all them from where they come from, may be the feeling of being a mother who stays alone middle of the nights, remembering her daughter and missing her so much... I really didn't meet your absence's consequence before in my way and this painful sadness without being with you became undesirable guest for me...All I know you'll always be inside my soul, that's true, nothing more. It never was the story of real depression whenever I was alone, never did any feelings exists cruelly and they have been fooled so far from the pretty easy tricks that I played my natural age from my childhood to teenage and teenage to adult. Dusty road will clean it up all by shining wishing, I'm sure. No meaning if I care about anyone now. I'd like to swimming in the river where I can find the meaning of your eyes to me because it's unexplainable through words to write how I would feel with your presence, for me it's a rainbow that always shines with the lights of many colours my darling. I'd like to live for the sun and the stars that always shine and wishing all the dreams for you and the only things that I wants to write in my deep core that wherever you'll go I'll always have been following you as a river to give you myself in my whole life until my last breathe.

-Written by Simon Rimal